Despite years of frequenting psychiatrists’ and psychologists’ offices, I never really felt like I was “crazy” until I tried to get help for my chronic pain.
It’s been well-nigh 16 months since the journey really began. It started with my primary doctor, who sent me for chest scans, heart scans, a gallbladder study, and a throne scan. She was thorough, but my results showed nothing. At that point I was well on my way to a fibromyalgia diagnosis, just considering nothing else fit.
Still, the lack of clarity and persistence of my symptoms got me an visit with neurologist, since multiple sclerosis was on my doctor’s list of potential causes for my pain, weakness, and exhaustion. When the MRIs I was sent for showed nothing but a healthful cyst, I was equal parts relieved and burned out. The unvarying stream of appointments was getting expensive and well-expressed my work life, so I took a unravel from doctors — but not from Google.
For what it’s worth, the internet seemed to stipulate with my primary doctor and all searches pointed to fibromyalgia. A lot of other opinions came with that confirmation, though, and most of them can be summarized like this: “Fibromyalgia isn’t real and people who requirement it is are just fat, whiny women who need to do some yoga and get over it.” And it wasn’t just faceless strangers saying things like that! My OB/GYN told me to never let any doctor settle on that diagnosis, the neurologist told me to talk to my psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist told me it was an “old woman’s disease” and I should try light exercise to see if that would help. I was starting to wonder if maybe I was just weak or a hypochondriac without all.
Fibro is tricky considering at this time there are no thoroughbred tests or scans that definitively personize it. Even with the archetype painful trigger points and myriad lists of symptoms that read like they could be my daily journal, a fibromyalgia diagnosis never feels 100 percent, and room to wonder ways room for uneasiness and self-doubt.
I found myself scouring the internet then a few days ago, trying to find proof that someone out there could relate to stuff unimaginably tired but too sore to sleep, and I came wideness a whole page of comments well-nigh the mental weakness and overall terrible weft of a person who carries a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Their words stuck with me for the whole next day. I got unprotected in a bit of a downward spiral. (Remember that so many people think my pain is made up, get anxious, get depressed…and repeat.)
I don’t want to disown my diagnosis and ignominy everyone who lives with the same struggles I do, but sometimes I want to loftiness myself from fibromyalgia. I try to remind myself daily that if I’m feeling it, it’s real, and that’s all that really matters, but it would be nice to know that the unshortened medical polity at least agrees that I’m not making this up. Talk well-nigh stuff figuratively kicked when you’re once feeling down, right? I just want to be worldly-wise to be honest with the people who might be worldly-wise to help me without fear of stuff perceived negatively.
I’m hurting basically all the time. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore, and sometimes it brings me to tears. I’m veritably worn-out if my day involves increasingly than one activity, and sometimes moreover when I don’t leave my suite at all. I alimony my life in a soft-hued wastefulness of doing unbearable to count as “normal” but still listening to my body. I don’t like it, but I can handle it. What I don’t think I can withstand is having zinged wreck and urgent muscles, and then wondering if maybe I only finger that way considering I need an vein adjustment.
I’m not trying to say that positive thinking is bad. In fact, lately my whole life feels like an optimist’s marching camp, where I’m constantly in training to see the unexceptionable side by default. I just need some faith and understanding from the people who matter most: the doctors who can help me find relief, my friends, and my family. The internet trolls? They can think whatever they want to.
Fibro Women Blogs
Chronic Woman Blogs
Chronic Illness Blogs
Official Fibromyalgia Blogs